Contemplating A Suitably Coded Coffee Shop
The article below was originally published on 12/12/24. It has been taken from behind the paywall. I hope you enjoy it. Over the last few weeks, I have invested time in reading materials relevant to future articles. I will be pursuing career development, and I want a new role. Content may be a bit sporadic until this goal is achieved. I hope to resume a more regular frequency of publishing in the very near future. I have two articles that should be ready soon. It will not surprise you to know that one is a piece about Roger Scruton's England: An Elegy.
I sit and sip, this place is not my kind of coffee shop, but I am meeting someone nearby soon, so I will not be here long anyway. The music is too loud for my liking, but I can still manage to read, and besides, Toto's Africa is a nice song. Even when this record gives way to a grating base-fuelled track of something I don’t want to hear again, I can still read, just about, doing my best to ignore an elevated noise more becoming of a bar.
‘‘Yeahhhhh!” Suddenly, an excitable scream breaks the fragile and small sense of comfort.
I look around wondering what prompted the person who served my drink to make this outburst.
Maybe a globally famous rock star was about to walk through the door. Perhaps she has just won the lottery and will never have to work again. No globally famous rock star or notable person walked in, and there was no mention of a life-changing amount of money. She was happily animated and stared ahead. Maybe I was too ready to assume there was a human cause of her gleeful emanation. Did Halley's Comet make an appearance? Did a unicorn on a golden chariot appear in the sky? Two figures casually entered the shop, and I soon realised the spur for her quasi-orgasmic effusion was the momentous occasion of friends paying a visit. From what I heard on the peripheral, I gathered that it was not too long since she last saw them. In the circumstances, I thought her behaviour was ridiculous. I am not saying this makes her a bad person, she was attentive and polite when serving me, but the loudness was unbecoming.
This event occurred not long after I published my piece on The English Character. The English reserve Roger Scruton described in England: An Elegy was completely absent in the staff member during this encounter. I began to think about some things my ideal coffee shop would have. It should attract staff and clientele capable of reserve.
A coffee shop must be comfortable. Simple wooden seating is fine, but it should also have comfy seats for patrons to sink into while they read or enjoy quiet conversation. Although it is not a library, noise levels should not hinder reading or thinking clearly. Customers deserve to experience reasonable levels of sound and should be able to rely on a peaceful auditory character as assuredly as they can the quality of their drink. If the place plays music, it should be that of only the classical variety, with a small number of exceptions. Music in a coffee shop is best as a decidedly ambient feature.
Obtrusive behaviours can ruin a pleasant experience, as I recently found. Not so long ago, when having a coffee, a cretin sat in the middle of the venue and played aloud whatever he had on his laptop. The rudeness was compounded by the shameless display of the crack of his backside; this was visible due to his legwear being worn deliberately low. An establishment committed to civility would have such people turfed off the premises. Playing devices aloud in these types of places must be prohibited.
Coffee is suitably enjoyed in a shop that provides customers with a smart, wholesome, and inviting aesthetic. What follows here is an imagining of a layout of a fine coffee shop. The shop described takes the size of the ground floor of a typical Starbucks as a template. The wall inside the store at the front is a light colour, and the counter area is well-lit. To either side of the entrance, cosily arrayed comfy chairs support a welcoming atmosphere and help patrons feel ensconced. Chairs are grouped in twos and threes. The odd solitary chair rests in the corner areas of the room. Tables are not too high or low in relation to the position of the seats. To add character, lights in a candle stick style with dials, that can increase or reduce light, rest on tables throughout the room.
Shelves go along the edge of the room, and at intervals of a metre or so, portrait busts of esteemed figures from our cultural past sit facing the clientele. This ornamentation is not too extravagant, affordable models of portrait busts can be bought.
Prints of paintings in traditional artistic styles are placed above them. Here, we find a refreshing absence of vulgar modern art. The signalling does not only beautify, it helps to repel those we would rather avoid.
In the middle of the shop, harder chairs and tables are closer to the counter than the seats at the front of the store. This part is more suitable for those attending the shop in larger groups for a convivial drink.
At the back of the room, comfy seats are situated as they are at the front. The lighter colour on the walls near the entrance gives way to wallpaper revealing images of shelves full of books. The titles of these books include all the famous classics of British literature, and some recent works too, including George Orwell's 1984, Douglas Murray's The Strange Death of Europe, and Nigel Biggar's Colonialism: A Moral Reckoning. While the outlet is open to people with a variety of views, some polite signs acting as a disinfectant against the hard left will provide a pleasant experience for everybody else.
Too many establishments fail to provide clean cups, so I ask for a takeaway cup when buying a coffee. In some spots, the habit just seems to be to shove dirty cups in a dishwasher and hope for the best, maybe not even that. It would help if all cups were checked for cleanliness. In this imagined place, there is an emphasis on good hygiene. Our cups are beautified by William Morris designs and images of fine paintings from artists who represent an antithesis to the trash that passes for art today.
This most civilised of places does not employ blue-haired types who like to punctuate their faces with a bizarre arrangement of piercings. Standards apply here. In the hospitality sector in this country, there is a tendency for staff to wear all black, this level of formality often seems over the top. A reasonably smart appearance will do, and there is no need for name badges.
Although many coffee shops insist on selling paninis, I am not a fan of them. On the rare occasion, when I have had one, they are overcooked and too hard. The offering fails to justify the fuss of a barista heating it, at least that is my experience. In this space, we prioritise a simple range of sandwiches, featuring favourites such as BLT, cheese and pickle, tuna and sweetcorn etc. Salads of the like at Box Britain are also available. The usual range of pastries most coffee shops serve is adequate.
A coffee shop is often more to its customers than just an outlet to get a drink. I hope you agree that the place I have imagined would be a source of comfort, a space for reflection, repose, study, sanctuary, and solace, and warmly regarded for the clientele it attracts, as well as the unwanted visitors it deters.